things are always simpler until you have to do them. easier said than done was never a more true saying.

if i could tell how i fit into every emotion, this is what i would say:

1) anger - i’ve been getting random bursts of it lately. i didn’t think i’d ever be an angry person, but as of late, i have been. i’ll randomly think of how i have been done wrong and i’ll go through a temporary violent rage and release my anger on the most nearby inanimate object.

2) sadness - all due to the person who i cared about most who let me down. i took care of them and showed them all of the love i could give, and they screwed me over. it’s been a while since then, but i still carry sadness, anger, and hurt from it.

3) depression - i’m not just drinking because life is perfect. i said yesterday would be the last day i drank, but here i am now with a beer in hand. tomorrow will really be the last day. well, really, today. i hope.

4) happiness - the recent addition to my life is a wonderful person. without them, my life would be in more of a ditch than it is now. they don’t know about my drinking. about all of my self-contained sadness. i love them, and i wish they knew how much they meant to me. i long to be closer to them and know their every thought, but we will have to experience life together alot more to further that bond. they are such a wonderful being who deserves the best, which i hope to give.

5) regret - i hardly regret anything. i hurt a person a little bit, but it was nothing compared to how they hurt me.  i regret staying with that person for so long and putting up with all of the bullshit i did. i deserved better, but i was set to better their life. i paid the price. they didn’t deserve my company.

i just wish things could even out.

i’m surrounded by such beauty, but refuse to accept it because of my past.

i have so much better, but i am scarred and dirtied; i don’t feel like i deserve it, i don’t feel like my new life deserves me. they deserve better. i am such a flawed human being.

i breathe cigarette smoke. i sweat vodka and beer. the light cast from my existence is a dim one.

i live without a god, and i feel that god is a comfort blanket for the weak who cannot accept reality.

but then again, i am struggling. i am trying to figure this life out, but it’s proving to be harder than i thought.

my comfort is in alcohol. i am decaying from the person i was. i used to scoff at those with neccesities greater than food and sleep. now i need nicotine and alcohol to make it work.

i hope that expelling this relieves me. i’ve tried everything- making my feelings known, burning old letters, listening to sad music, drinking, smoking, revisiting all of my old thoughts for the last time; yet, my sadness refuses to die. my memories follow me everywhere and refuse to leave me alone.

this is my anchor. i am tied down to it. i am ready to move on, but i don’t know how to move past it.

i have rocks in my shoe that need let out.